Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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