I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
