Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
