i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
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