Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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