smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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