I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
