My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Randomize
