My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
