she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
