Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
