Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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