I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
