She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
