Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
