This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
