This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
