I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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