Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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