He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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