It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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