If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
