So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I wish there were birth control emojis
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
