Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
