I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
