What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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