I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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