When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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