Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
