you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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