Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
