my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
