My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
