If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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