Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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