there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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