drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
