I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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