tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
