I hate all girls vehemently.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
