you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
