When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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