I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
