Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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