her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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