You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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