The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize