Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
