what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
