So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize