Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
