My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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