Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
