how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Green mimosas i think yes
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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