It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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