He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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