when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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